My heart goes out to the sweet girl that’s knee deep in my texts right now, for I know that the last thing she wants to do at midnight is deal with my three-year-old insecurities. I’m quite thankful I have her, though, to listen to my incessant babble this late about something that happened well before I knew her, when I’m sure she’d much rather be sleeping before yet another long day at work. The poor thing is getting text after text regarding growing up, college, the fall out, the aftermath, and the coup de grâce: what I’ve learned has come about during these years of silence, and amid feeling the shards of the old friendship still festering from when I broke it, I can’t help but parallel then and now, not for the sake of proving that things are better but just to show that things happen.
I don’t want to throw a cliche in here about leaving the past behind, because we all know damn well that’s an impossible feat. I also don’t want to discredit any of the characters on my previously unscripted pages because at one point in time, they were revered members of my story. That guy I met at college orientation, or the girl I spent my Saturdays with as a kid. That rebel child who insisted on living vivaciously, or that angel who strove tirelessly embrace her own voice amid those who tried to silence it. I learned a lot from these people (and not just that adobo should be used sparingly or that The Maine is an absolutely incredible yet entirely underrated band). When it comes down to it, my mistakes have left valuable end note scenarios to remember: (1) Walking away from something that isn’t conducive to my own progress. (82) Refusing to change to fit someone else’s mold. (394) Understanding that “being a friend” is not a resume builder but an ever changing relationship commitment. And it goes on, and on, and on, and on.
I guess in comparison to where I’ve been, I have a less foggy (with a hint of jaded) imagine of where I’m headed right now. I’m in the midst of staring a new adventure – well, two, in fact – with new faces and new challenges. I’m working on relying on myself and understanding that I know deep down what I can and cannot do as well as what is right for me.
Working on it.